Ep #2: Who Do You Want to Be? Break Negative Cycles for Good

Our identity is formed from who we THINK we are.

And who we THINK we are is established from our past experiences and our past conditioning. So if we aren’t conscious to our own thinking, we by default, look to our past to identify who we are today, which is why we end up recreating the same results over and over and over again.

In this episode, we take a look at the areas of your life that you’re STUCK–recreating the same results over and over again. I’ll teach you how to break the cycle once and for all, with this simple, yet critical concept.


  • The negative spin cycles that keep you stuck
  • The backwards approach toward change that’s not working for you
  • How to finally break free from who you’ve always been to who you want to be



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Welcome back everybody. Thanks so much for being here.

Technically, this is the second episode of Permission Granted, but it’s the first episode that I’ll be teaching– yes! the grand opening, cutting of the red ribbon ceremony i.e. welcome episode is behind us and now we enter shop– where you get to really browse the merchandise and try things on. Which I’m pumped about as I hope you are because when the concepts I teach are learnt and applied, that’s when things start shifting.

Initially, I was going to go straight into some heavy lifting stuff, but my intuition was like, “No girl, keep it simple. One concept that will set the stage for your listeners.” So that’s what I’m going to do.

Today, we are going to explore the question: Who Do You WANT to Be?

Who do you WANT to be?

Not who you’ve been or who you are, but who you want to be ideally. Your ideal self.

As I was writing show notes for this episode, I couldn’t help but think back to when I was entering my freshman year of college. It’s of course this exciting time, but it was definitely nerve-racking, starting a whole new chapter of your life and in my experience, not knowing a single person going in.

But I remember, taking a step back from the anxiety of it all as I was driving to orientation weekend, I thought, “Wow, what an amazing opportunity to reinvent myself.” Sure, I don’t know anybody, but better yet, nobody knows me right? Like nobody knows my deal or my past, who I’ve been and what I was in high school.

I get to choose who I want to be– who I was going to be on campus.

I could choose to be the same person I was in high school, this really nice, friendly, yet somewhat reserved person.

Or I could choose to be this outgoing, uber confident, love meeting new people person.

Right? It felt like a total clean slate.

However with that being said, owning this new persona, did  not mean that I was just walking around campus, going up to everybody and saying, “Hey, I’m Shaina. I’m awesome. I am confident and I am outgoing and I am the coolest person you’ll meet here.” No!

I had to become this “new” person, through a new way of thinking about myself, and walking around in a new feeling state and behaving like the outgoing, confident girl.

And I’m going to talk more about fully embracing this concept today and really becoming who you want to be.

But I just wanted to preface with that, because if you’re listening, I want you to think of today, the start of this show as a clean slate– an opportunity for you draw a line in the sand and as you step over that line, letting go of any part of yourself that’s not serving you in the direction of your dream life.

And instead choosing to step into the role of your ideal self.

And as we get going here, you’ll begin to form a clearer picture of what this new and improved you looks like. You’ll start to gain more insight into who you want to be moving forward.

So let’s jump in.

I talk to a lot of people who tell me that they’re STUCK. They feel like things aren’t changing for them and they’re still the same person with the same results, and there’s been little to no improvement. Same crap, different day.

So if you think about your own life for a second, what comes up for you?

What area of your life stands out, where you’re like, “YEA, I’m so tired of this. Nothing has changed. I’m still exactly in the same place I was a year ago, two years, 5 years ago.”

Maybe you’re still living paycheck to paycheck? Or you’re still doing work at a job that you don’t care about? Or you’re still finding yourself in these unhealthy relationships time and time again?

Where do you feel like you’re on a really slow Ferris wheel, that you just can’t get off of?

Now, if I were to ask you…what do you want? Or better yet, what do you think you need to get unstuck and finally break the cycle?

Chances are you could easily rattle off a few things. More money, my own business, the perfect guy. Whatever.

We all have desires, yes. But we also have these ideas of who we’d become once we achieve these desires. Right?

If I just had more money, THEN I could be this confident woman. Then, I’d walk down the street in my designer clothes with my head held high. Then, I’d feel way better about myself and I’d be way more outgoing in social situations. Oooooh, if I had more money, I’d have more time to work on that book I want to write. Oh, yea, yea, yea if I had more money, I’d feel less anxious…and I’d be able to finally make better, bolder decisions.

We create these stories in our minds of this new and improved us if we just had this thing in our life. So what happens is that we wait for this external thing to transpire, to then become the person who we really want to be.

We don’t give ourselves permission to FEEL amazing now and show up in all our amazingness, all because we don’t have the things we want.

But I’m here to tell you my friends, we have it all backwards.

In order to achieve the things we want, we must first step into the role of who we want to be. We must identify as our future ideal self in our current environment.

Let me explain.

I’ll give you a classic example…the person who wants to quit smoking. We’ll call her Birdie.

Birdie wants to be somebody who doesn’t smoke. Birdie’s been smoking since the age of 18 and is now 40 years old, she’s well-aware of the health risks and wants to be a woman who lives a healthy lifestyle. That is her desire. That is who she wants to be. Yet year after year of taking action…using the patch, trying to quit cold turkey, nicotine replacement therapy, chewing gum…Birdie has not been successful in her many efforts.

Birdie meets up with a friend for lunch who says, “Hey, I heard you’re trying to quit smoking, how’s it going?”

Birdie responds, “I’ve tried everything but nothing’s working. Ya know, I’ve been smoking for over 20 years and well, I’m a smoker…it’s just hard.”

See, as long as Birdie identifies herself as a smoker, no matter what she tries to do to quit (no matter what action or how much action she takes), it will never work.

Because in her mind, she is certain that she is a smoker…I am a smoker. I’ve always been a smoker.

And when we’re certain about our identity, our actions will prove that identity true, because ALL of our thoughts create our feelings which drive our actions.

So if I identify myself as somebody who struggles with money…that’s the reality that I’m going to keep creating.

Because in my mind, I think, “I AM somebody who’s always struggled with money.” And that belief that I carry around in my back pocket, causes me to feel bad, defeated, frustrated. And when we feel bad, defeated and frustrated, we aren’t out in the world creating massive value, right? In fact, money worries and financial stress kill creativity. Not to mention, that we try to numb our feelings and one of the many ways to do that is spending money.

If I identify myself as somebody who’s always dating the wrong guys, that’s what I’ll keep attracting. I’m sure you’ve known somebody in your life and you’re like, why does she keep picking these men that are so controlling?

If I identify myself as somebody who struggles with depression. I say to myself (and even to other people), yea I’ve been depressed since I was 16 and I’ve struggled with it ever since. guess what? My effort to overcome my depression is not going to be easy right? Because my subconscious is wired to think: I am somebody who struggles with depression. That’s who I am. That’s who I’ve been.

Our identity is formed from who we THINK we are.

And who we THINK we are is established from our past experiences and our past conditioning.

So if we aren’t conscious to our own thinking, we by default, look to our past to identify who we are today, which is why we end up recreating the same results over and over and over again.

So your first job, is to pinpoint how you identify yourself…how you’ve been identifying yourself over and over again– with money, in your career, in your relationships.

I always just break even financially.

I always date the wrong men.

I AM a shopaholic.

I AM a workaholic.

I AM always left out.

I AM unworthy.

Or a lot of times we say, “I AM not…”

I AM NOT the gym type or I’m NOT a physically strong person. Try getting yourself to the gym with this mentality. It’s a daily struggle.

And that’s because our minds and our actions are not working in unison. It’s like two magnets repelling each other.

This is the reason why taking action to break our spin cycles feels SO HARD!! We try so hard to get out of our financial rut, we try SO hard to get to the gym, we try SO hard to meet Mr. Right, but it feels like we’re pushing a boulder up a mountain.

And that’s because our minds and our bodies are in a constant battle with one another.

Do you know that only 5 percent of the mind is conscious? The remaining 95% is running on subconscious, automatic programming. So what that means…is that even if the 5% of you is consciously saying, “I want to get to the gym. I want to get out of debt.” You are fighting against 95% habit.

You are fighting against 95% of past conditioning.

In order to change your external reality and break the cycles of who you were and get different results, you must first change how you identify yourself so that your mind and your body are working together.

You must break the habit of who you think you are (based on your past) and train your subconscious mind to form a new identity, even when your external environment doesn’t match up.

That means that you feel like a million bucks and feel financially free, even if your bank account is in the red. And I’ll dive deeper into this in just a second.

So once you pinpoint how you’ve been identifying yourself for probably most of your life, you then decide who you want to be. Because you get to make that decision for yourself. You don’t need anybody’s permission. You’re allowed to be whoever you want to be.

Do you want to be the successful business owner?

Do you want to be the happiest person you know?

Do you want to be the fun-loving, easy-going, not so uptight person?

Do you want to be the cool, super confident guy or gal?

Do you want to be the person who is obsessed with the work they do?

Do you want to be the person who never worries about money because it just falls into your lap?

Decide who you want to be, once and for all. Enough with the same ole, same ole. Remember, you’re drawing a line in the sand today.

You get to decide who you want to be right now, for your future.

I AM ____________________ (fill in the blank).

I am a successful business owner.

I am the happiest person I know.

I am a fun-loving, easy-going person.

I am the most confident person in the room.

I am obsessed with the work I do.

I am financially secure. Money always falls into my lap. I never have to worry about money. Money loves me. Money finds it ways to me. Money flows to me. I live, breathe and expect an abundance of money.

It’s about being conscious more often and replacing your old, habitual thinking with the thinking of your future self.

But please note and this is very important…by itself, positive thinking is not enough.

Consciously thinking one way, but BEING the opposite doesn’t work. Again, when the mind and body are in opposition, change will never happen.

You must FEEL what you are thinking.

When I was a kid, I used to play whiffle ball with my dad and every time I was up to bat, he would say: see the ball, be the ball, feel the ball, think like the ball.

And that’s what you’ve gotta do here. You must visualize your new identity, be it, think like it, feel it.

Your job is to completely step into the role of who you want to be as if you’re already that person.

Because guys, our minds have no clue whether we are experiencing something in real time or in our imaginations. So you can actually go to the place in your mind of what you want and FEEL as though you already have it.

It’s one of my favorite practices. Because at the end of the day, all we want is to FEEL awesome. And the fact that I can instantly get to that feeling place no matter where I am or what my circumstances are through the power of mind, is incredible.

OK, and now for an example.

Let’s say that I’m in a career rut. I can’t seem to get ahead in my career as a writer. I’ve been an assistant at an agency for 5 years, I’ve been making the same amount of money, I haven’t finished the book that I started writing. And I’m just in a rut. Feeling frustrated.

So I take some to reflect and realize how I think about myself– how I’ve been thinking about myself. Things like…

I’ve never been a super motivated person. I feel like I’m always behind in life. Things never work out for me.  

And I’m like damn! This is how I see myself. No wonder why I’m at a standstill.

So then I say, OK, who do I want to be. Because I definitely don’t want to be this unmotivated person that nothing works out for.

So I reach into my imagination and I see my future, ideal self as a NY Times Best Selling Author. That’s who I want to be.

So now my job is to think like a NY Times best-selling author, FEEL like a NY Times best-selling author and ACT like a NY times best-selling author.

What does a NY Best Selling Author think? Well, I’ll tell you what they’re not definitely not thinking.. They’re not thinking, “Things never work out for me and I’m always behind in life.”

No! They are a best-selling author. So they think WOW, I AM a best-selling author. Things are working out beautifully for me. I’m so accomplished. I love my job. I have the best life. This is all so exciting. My readers are amazing. I’m so excited to keep writing.

Now, how do you FEEL as a NY Times Best Selling Author when all the things are going on in your mind? Most likely you feel excited, confident, liberated, accomplished, admired, whatever!

And when you FEEL those things, what do you do? What inspired action do you take from that place?

Well I know one action I’d definitely be taking…writing!

Do you see what I’m saying? It’s through embodying who you want to be in the present that you create the very things you desire through your action.

It’s through this inspired action that you prove this new identity true!! You create that evidence (every single day) for why you are who you want to be!!

When your mind and body match up, it’s a beautiful thing. Inspired action is a beautiful thing.

Rewiring our brains is simple you guys, but not easy. It takes practice and dedication.

It’s the same way an actor takes on a role and rehearses day in and day out.

Recently, I watched the documentary, Jim & Andy, The Great Beyond, on Netflix. And it’s all this behind the scenes footage of Jim Carey when we took on the role of the late comedian Andy Kaufman. And it was fascinating. If you’ve never heard of method acting, it’s when an actor takes on the complete emotional identification of the character that he or she is playing, on and off camera. I had never seen method acting like I did in this documentary. Like Jim Carey was Andy Kaufman. Even the cast and crew, after a few days were like WOW, like Jim doesn’t exist on this set at all. He is Andy. Andy is here.

And it’s just fascinating and he’s so talented and it’s just such a great example of adopting an entirely new identity. Thinking like that person and feeling like the person and acting like the person. Becoming that person.

So in the same way that Jim Carey committed to his role in becoming Andy Kaufman, is the same way you’ll need to commit to yours, whoever it is that you want to be.

It’s a critical practice, because we can never be free from our bad habits and negative spin cycles until we free ourselves from a limiting identity.

It’s never about getting what we want to become who we want to be. If that’s how we live our lives, we’re going to be waiting and waiting and waiting.

You must commit to becoming who you want to be right now, in order to get the things you want.

Alright my friends, as we wrap things up here, remember that you’re allowed to choose who you want to be right now. 

The only permission you need is your own. So consider that permission granted.

Thank you so much for listening as always. I’ll see you next time.

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