Ep #4: Impatience

Impatience kills dreams! It is detrimental to our personal growth and long-lasting fulfillment, yet it’s something that I see so much of. If you’re making decisions from an impatient state of mind, you’re ultimately making a fear based decision, and heading further away from your dreams.

Join me, as I teach you how to recognize your own impatient state of mind and how to get a handle on it.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:

  • Why impatience is detrimental to our personal well-being and growth
  • Why our generation is the most impatient yet
  • How to manage your own impatient state of mind

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome back everybody. Thanks so much for being here as always. Today, I want to talk all about impatience.

Impatience.

This topic has been on the top of my content to-do list for quite some time and the reason being is that it’s an ongoing theme that I see with my clients and students, not all, but most and even people I know personally. And it’s something that I see so much of, and something that is so detrimental to our growth and our potential that I feel this obligation (out of love of course) to help all of you listening recognize it in yourself and get a handle on it.

You guys don’t know this, but I love a good thesaurus. I love synonyms. I do. Each time I sit down to write show notes, I have my thesaurus open and ready on Chrome.

And you’re probably like, really? You don’t use big words. Or should I say sesquipedalian words. But I do, I love finding new words to use all the time.

So why not share the synonyms for “impatience” with you…the synonyms for impatience are restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, frustration and annoyance.

Now, if you’ve been following me for some time you know that I always talk about love-based (or truth based) decisions vs. fear-based decisions. When we make decisions from a space of fear, we are ultimately steering our lives in the wrong direction and when we make decisions from a space of love and peace, we steer our life in the right direction.

So when we look at impatience and all its’ buddies (restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, frustration and annoyance), we can see that impatience is a form of fear. In fact, it’s one of the many ways that fear disguises itself.

And that’s why it’s so important for me to discuss it here today. Because if you’re making decisions from an impatient state of mind, you’re ultimately making a fear based decision…and on this podcast, we practice the opposite, right? We practice good decision making.

So first, let’s talk about WHY we are so impatient or can be so impatient in our lives?

As children, our wants and needs are immediately met by our parents and other caregivers. When we cry, we get attention. When we’re hungry, we’re fed. When we’re bored, we’re entertained (nowadays you see it with IPads and phones right? Parents will hand over an electronic device so their child isn’t bored or so that they’re child doesn’t feel restless in the waiting room of the doctor’s office or feel frustrated at the grocery store).

We’re taught at a young age that when we want something or want to feel better, that not only is somebody else responsible for making sure our needs are met, but also that it’s done almost instantaneously.

And unfortunately, as we get older that “idea” and learnt behavior is reinforced in our advanced, technological world. If we want entertainment, a movie is just a click away. If we want connection and attention on a Saturday night, we can swipe right on Tinder. If we’re feeling insecure, we post a selfie, sit back and watch 100 “likes” come our way.

So even as adults, we all have a bad case of Veruca Salt, I want it and I want it now! 

We’ve become used to immediate results.

And by the way, our brains love the world we live in nowadays because they’re wired for instant gratification. We get that hit of dopamine (the chemicals that are released in our brains) when we experience something enjoyable…and we feel good in the moment…that fleeting moment of satisfaction.

And while many may argue that this organ is amazing in all its pleasure inducing functions, and that we’re so lucky to live in a world that provides more ways than ever before to “turn it on,” this same organ and its functions have wreaked havoc over our long-term successes, goals and overall well-being. Because nothing worthwhile (and long-lasting) is instant. Nothing worthwhile and long-lasting is achieved with overnight delivery, OK?

But because we get that shot of dopamine from that selfie, or those pair of shoes delivered next day, we become addicts to this way of living. And we by habit, continue to live our lives this way…constantly grasping at things (anything) to feel good right now.

So really there’s 2 problems here.

The first, is the addiction to instant gratification.

The second, is the attribution of our feeling state to something external.

OK?

So we want to feel good right now AND we want something outside of ourselves to supply it.

It’s like being 3 years old, throwing a tantrum on the floor because we want that lollipop. And we want our mom to buy us that lollipop right now because our emotional state is dependent on both that lollipop and our mom.

We tell ourselves, I can’t calm down until I get that lollipop.

And as adults we do the same exact thing.

I can’t feel confident until I get attention from a guy at a bar.

I can’t feel secure until I make a million dollars.

And because we are accustomed to living our lives in this backwards way, what we do is we run around to find a guy, to make money fast…and from this place of impatience to feel good, we dismiss our own deep truth– and just date whoever– even if he’s not a good match or find ways to make money– even if that means we hate the work we do. Because we are chasing after that quick fix and we think we need the guy or the money to achieve that positive feeling state.

And then what happens if/ when we get it– if we get the attention from the guy or the million dollars…we feel good for a day or two and then it wears off. And then we run around in a new panic looking for a new fix. Right? It’s the life of an addict guys.

The same way that a drug addict shoots up to numb any negative emotions and instead feel a rush of euphoria, is the same way that most of use things like shopping, social media, sex, drinking, money, TV, anything outside of ourselves to avoid dealing with our own negative emotions and spin cycles.

Hopefully you’re still with me here.

Let me give you an example of something that I see all of the time.

When somebody applies for my 1 on 1 coaching program, and my intuition tells me this person may be a good match, I offer them a free call.

I’d say about 80-85% of these calls are like carbon copies. And what I mean…is that they’re identical in the sense of the “problem” that I’m approached with and the “mentality” around the problem.

The majority of people that come to me are people who hate their job and want to find and do work that they love.

However, the people that I talk to do not get on the phone calmly and say, “Yea, so I don’t like the work I’m doing at my job. I’m ready to really focus and find work that I love. I’m so willing to put the time and effort in to making this big change. I know this isn’t going to be overnight and I may not see results right away but that’s OK, because I’m motivated to do something every day to achieve my big goal, no matter what it takes. I really want to solve this issue once and for all.”

That is not what I hear.

When I talk to people for the first time and ask he/ she what’s going on, 9 out of 10 times, this is what I hear…

“OMG, I hate my job. I need to quit. I have to find something else. I just want to know what to do next. I’m so tired of my situation. Somethings gotta change right now.”

Most people come to me in this state of restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, frustration and annoyance.

Sound familiar.

Yup, 100% impatient.

And if you think about it, it’s fascinating. Most of us will remain stuck in our crappy circumstances and spin cycles for years and years without ever taking any action. And then all of a sudden, when we decide OK, I’m ready, we expect our wish to be granted with a snap of the fingers and some fairy dust.

Right? I want it and I want it now.

My clients decide I want that lollipop and they look to me to just give it to them.

So they come to me with this desperate energy. It’s them saying, “I can’t feel relaxed and at peace, until I achieve this goal…of leaving my job and doing work I actually care about.”

And the very first thing that I do as a coach (aside from saying stop and take a deep breath) is to help them understand that in order to achieve this goal, they must FIRST feel relaxed and at peace right now, even in their current circumstances.

Let me explain.

If somebody is coming to me thinking, “I need to know right now. I can’t feel good until I know.” That person then feels panicked and desperate. And when that person feels panicked and desperate what do they do? What’s their action from this graspy place?

Well I’ll tell you what their action is, most people jump into another job (any job in an effort to feel better right now). Because remember a lot of us depend on external things to feel good.

Or they quickly choose any passion or hobby to run with (even if it might be the wrong one, which in most cases it is because they’re making a fear-based decision, right).

And then what’s the RESULT of this?

Initially, we feel better, right? Because it’s that shot of dopamine we get. We’ve been telling ourselves for so long, if I just leave this job, I’ll feel better…so we get this rush of relief, freedom or whatever.

But once that high wears off, people always find themselves in the same exact or similar situation. Right back to square one.

And then a few months or even weeks go by, and we’re like why am I still not happy even in this new job? Right? And then the cycle continues.

All because of our own impatience.

As soon as people realize that reinventing their life and the figuring out part of what they’re meant to pursue takes time and it takes effort, their brains are like “Hell no. No instant results? No instant rewards? I’m out!”

As soon as people realize that they may be in this transitional period for a little bit, as we get down to the root of the problem and seek long-lasting solutions, they get scared.

We don’t like not knowing. We don’t like feeling uncomfortable. We don’t like things that take time to progress.

We don’t want to explore the root cause of our own suffering. We don’t want to take the time to figure out what we need to work on or what we want.

We just want to get to the top of the mountain. Take an elevator straight up, without doing the hard, rocky climb to the top.

So what happens is we revert to our old programming (which is never a good idea if it didn’t work the first time around, but so many of us do it) and we get caught up in another unfulfilling job and before we know it, it’s been another 5, 10 years…and we wonder: why does this keep happening? Why am I still in this situation?

The irony of impatience is that it actually prolongs the journey in whatever it is that we’re looking to achieve.  

Frustration prevents emotional freedom.

When we give into our own impatience, we never stop long enough to be curious as to what the root of the problem is. And when we don’t understand the root of the problem, we can’t ever break the cycle. Instead, we use external things as a quick fix– or the Band-Aid method. And we remain stuck with the same boo boos.

Patience is actually where our power lies. It frees us emotionally– as we wait, watch, learn and know when to act. With patience, we’re able to deny our ego’s ill-intentioned commands and instead we gain access to our intuition…our internal navigation system that will let us know hey, it’s time to work on this, or wait for this, or pay attention to this.

Imagine if we were to plant seeds in our garden and everyday we’re out there, screaming at the dirt…hurry up. Grow already! Come on. I want to see the flower.

No. We plant the seeds and we wait. And then we water it every day and wait some more and then nourish it some more and wait some more, until something really beautiful appears

People want the convenience of transformation, without the inconvenience.

I had this girl in her twenties sign up for my premium package– which includes my course Find Your Passion and (3) one on one calls with me. And I knew from her free consultation that one of the things she was struggling with was that her dad was breathing down her neck about getting her shit together and figure out her job situation. It’s very common. So she was another person who came to me very desperate and graspy at wanting to know the answers and knowing them right now.

So she schedules her first one on one call, less than a week into the course. We hop on the phone, and I ask her how’s it going? And she said, “Honestly, I feel like I’m too advanced for this. I’m already on Day 6 and I’m not learning anything new.

So I began coaching her and it was very clear that she was not doing the exercises in the workbook and she wasn’t applying the concepts in her everyday life. This was somebody who was trying to take the elevator to the top of the mountain.

And she was justifying her own impatience by telling herself, “I’m too advanced,” which drove her to glaze over the program and not get down and dirty. Right?

And as we dug deeper, underneath this thought and underneath her impatience, was nothing more than FEAR you guys.

Fear of what her dad would think or say if she didn’t have it all figured out right now.

Fear of not achieving the result she wanted and fast.

And in an attempt to battle this fear, she was racing through the program. She was trying to shortcut her way to achieving her goal.

Guys impatience is a form of doubt, in yourself and what you’re capable of.

Pursuing a dream, something you’re ecstatic about doesn’t come with the instant rewards (especially in the beginning) that we’re used to in an instant gratification world.

So what happens for a lot of people, is when they don’t see those external results right away (that quick fix), they FEAR that they’ll never see results and that they’ll never achieve the thing that we want so badly, and they’re more apt to quit.

I may never find my passion and live out my dream career, so I’m just going to take this job that I’m not so excited about. 

I may never find a great, amazing partner, so I’m just going to settle for this person.

Right? Not trusting in the journey and being impatient for the finish line is nothing more than doubt in yourself.

And that’s what was happening with this client of mine. She didn’t have the confidence in herself to say, listen I’m figuring it out, it might take a little time, but that’s OK. I’m going to do it! I know I am. I got this. And THEN really putting her nose to the grindstone and actually doing it.

She didn’t have the confidence to say that to herself, never mind have the confidence to say that to her dad.

And because she was lacking that confidence in herself, she masked it as lack of confidence in my program right? And so many of us do that right? We avoid taking responsibility for ourselves and our own results by blaming it on something or someone else.

I’m unhappy because this is another bad job.

Well NO, who created that? You did, right? And as long as we blame the external, we’ll keep trying to change the external and avoid doing the critical heavy lifting that’s necessary for long-lasting change…for real change.

And real change takes time, my friends.

Anyway, long story short, she ended up unenrolling in my program, which didn’t surprise me whatsoever. I mean she was very kind and very gracious, but at the end of the day, I could not help her unless she was willing to change her mind.

Which is why my first job as a coach is to help my clients and students get comfortable with not knowing the answers right now. Like it’s OK. You’re going to be OK. I help them feel relaxed and calm first.

Because when we’re cool, calm and collected, and when we can TRUST in the process– and trust, my friends, is the antonym of fear– the action and outcome is so much different.

When we think…

I don’t know what the hell is going on right now and that’s OK! I’m cool, I’ll figure it out. I got this.

 Or when we think…

I’m uncovering more and more answers every day and that’s amazing.

How do we feel?

Cool, calm and collected.

And when we feel cool, calm, and collected what’s our action?

For my students and clients, it’s really grounding themselves in the work and even having fun with it. Because the thing is guys, getting to really know yourself and realizing OMG these are the things I’m great at, and OMG this is what’s been holding me back all this time, I can’t believe it, OMG these are the things that bring me to life…is so magical. It’s so much fun. But you’ve gotta be in the right mindset to experience this. Right?

And in time, I’m going to bring on some of students from my course to share their inspired journeys, because it’s incredible the achievements and long-term results of being patient and trusting.

All in all, impatience kills dreams you guys. It kills dreams. Impatience murders dreams.

Nobody successful was an overnight success, nobody. It took time, a great deal of effort, and little results, especially in the beginning. Just you and the mountain.

When I first started making YouTube videos, it took me like 12 hours to create a video from start to finish. And hardly nobody was watching. But I didn’t care.

I didn’t need other people cheering me on. I just had to cheer myself on. When I got discouraged, I had to encourage myself through my mind. I was responsible for making myself feel better, and being my own motivation to keep going up that mountain. And guess what? I’m a lot a higher than when I first started.

And that’s because I didn’t allow impatience to consume me. If I had, I would have quit YouTube. I would’ve never started my own business. I would’ve never started or finished my course. I’d still be doing work that I didn’t like, jumping from one job to the next, trying to fix my problems out there– outside of myself.

But instead I made a commitment to myself– to fix what was really going in, internally. And that commitment was made when I was 25 years old.

I committed to bettering my life once and for all– and was willing to do whatever it took to get it right. Because I was committed to ending negative spin cycles– in my career, relationships, etc.

I committed to figuring out HOW did I end up in this mess? And how do I get out? I had to change my own internal perspective and beliefs, and from there, my external reality changed.

But I had to hang onto the big visions I had for myself. I had to remind myself why I was taking the time to do this…and for me, it was because life’s too short to experience these fleeting moments of satisfaction. I was it in for the long haul…I wanted to experience genuine joy always, every day.

So now as we wrap up my friends, I want you to look at your own life. What area of your life feels like the same ole’ negative spin cycle?

Where are you not putting the time and the effort and the energy into figuring out the root of the problem? Where are you constantly putting a Band-Aid on the problem because it’s quick and it’s easy?

Consider focusing less on externals, and instead draw inward toward a greater wisdom. Patience is the most effective action you can ever take.

And the only permission you need to start, is your own. Consider that permission granted.

Thank you so much for listening as always. I’ll see you next time.

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