Ep #8: On Marriage, Kids & Settling Down

Choosing to settle down, commit to one person and/ or starting a family are all big decisions. How do you know when it’s really right? When is the right time? What about that biological clock? Join me as I explore the general ideas themselves and share my personal stance on the matter.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:

  • How to handle external pressures about settling down and starting a family
  • How to manage “compare and despair” from social media
  • How to trust your own timing, path and truth
  • The “right” reasons to settle down
  • Why the idea of “forever” is naive and it can waste precious time

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome back everybody. Thanks so much for being here as always.

I’m jumping right in today because today is a little bit of a longer episode. I’m talking all about marriage, kids and settling down. I know a lot of you are curious about where I personally stand in this pool– currently being 32 years old…not married and no kids.

So I’ll definitely be sprinkling in my personal thoughts on conventional living and what I envision for me and my future. But first, I want to take a magnifying glass if you will to the general ideas themselves.

Because the conversation (and ultimately the decision-making) around marriage and kids is much different now than it was when our parents and grandparents were our age. Ya know, my mom was 18 years old when she got married and had my sister, I arrived a year later, and then my brother came along.

And I know that 18 might be a bit extreme in the comparison scale from then to now, but it’s crazy to think that at my age right now, my mom had a 14 year old, a 13 year old and a 6 year old. I mean WOW! You just don’t see that nowadays. Here, in the 21st Century, we are witnessing and a part of a vastly different timetable.

In fact, in 2016, women in their late twenties had the highest birth rate. Now, in 2018, women in their early 30’s are giving birth at higher rates than women in their twenties and teens.

So if you’re listening in right now and you’re a woman in your thirties or even forties frankly, panicked about being “behind in life”, know that you are among the majority. You are not alone. And I know that’s easier said than done– to swallow those stats and just walk around feeling this instant ease without a ring on your finger or a bun in the oven.

As a woman myself, I am well aware that there are things outside of us that are disconcerting.

For starters, we have that biological clock ticking away in the back of our minds. The risks associated with age and pregnancy.

And of course that goes for men as well. I’m definitely not discriminating you men listening. Although you may not physically carry a child or fear the same complications that us women do, you too have a biological clock and face similar outside opinion. 

So regardless (man or woman), the pressure is there– physiologically.

Secondly, there’s the external pressure. Either from A.) compare and despair, which I’ll talk about in a second or from B.) other people telling us, encouraging us, questioning our choices. Our parents persistently asking: When are you going to get married and have kids? Ya know at your age, I had….blah blah blah.

And here’s what I have to say about external influences.

If you have people in your life who are questioning you, badgering you about settling down, you must come to terms with the fact that it’s their inability to see past outdated milestones. It’s their inability to accept or embrace this wave of change that our generation has brought fourth. It’s their inability to change their own attitude and recognize that they do not know what’s best for you.

It’s their own fears and beliefs being projected onto you. It is not your problem. It is not your job to fulfill their wishes. It isn’t even your job to argue or convince them of your stance on the matter.

Your job is to remain grounded in your truth and continue to make your own decisions from a place of love.

Because good decisions always come from a place of love. Choosing to settle down and have babies to please other people in our life– at a time in our life that doesn’t feel good to us–is not love. That’s fear. Even if you think well I love my parents and I want to make them happy. No, that’s fear. That’s being afraid to live your own life, on your terms because of what they’ll think.

Fear sounds like…

I’m getting older. People are judging me. I just need to settle down now.

Everybody else is married and already having kids. I need to put pressure on my boyfriend to propose already. Or…

I’m afraid I’ll have regrets down the road. Let’s just have a baby.  

Making those big life altering decisions from that place of fear– leads us further away from the path we’re being called to and instead onto one we’re being pushed toward.

Guys, I know how easy it is to be on FB or Instagram, scrolling through your feed and it being flooded with wedding pictures, engagement announcements, photos of babies holding a paper that says “Look at me, I’m 8 months old today.” And automatically, we think, “I’m behind. I should be settling down. What’s wrong with me? She’s younger than me.” Right? “She’s already on her third baby!”

But the truth is, we are not doomed guys. We are all different with different paths. Maybe you have different priorities and that’s OK. Maybe you haven’t found the right partner yet and that’s OK.

We are on our own timeline. So the more we resist our own timeline, the more miserable we make ourselves and actually delay the things we want from coming into our lives.

If you are listening, and you know you want marriage and/ or babies, it’s in alignment with your deepest self, then it will come…because it’s important to you, it’s in alignment with your essential self, but it will come from a relaxed, peaceful place– a state of mind in which you’re trusting of your own time.

You always hear about these people, women especially, who are so desperate for a relationship, but struggle in the dating world. Why? Because it’s terrible energy that they’re putting out. Nobody wants to be with somebody whose desperate, it’s such a turn off. Seriously!

And then you hear all the time about men and women who were not looking for a relationship and stumble upon this amazing relationship (myself included).

And the reason being is because those people don’t need a relationship. They aren’t desperate or graspy for one. They choose to be happy and fulfilled without one! And that energy is what attracts a fantastic partner.

So if you have a deep desire for those things, it will happen in its own beautiful time and in its own beautiful way. Maybe not the way you picture it. You may not know HOW it’ll happen, but that’s OK. Your only job is to be happy now, with where you’re at. OK?

So regardless, wherever you are in life, if your body is telling you (in its own true, physical way) that now is not the time to make those bigger commitments in life, that’s the only information that you need.

That is the only information that we ever need. I don’t need information from my doctor saying hey Shaina, time’s a ticking…here’s a pamphlet on the risks of childbirth after 35. I don’t need input from my family members on what they think is best for me. I don’t need to know when the right time is. The only thing I need to know is what my intuition is telling me, in this moment. That’s it guys. We make it so much more complicated than it needs to be when we allow our egoic minds to run wild.

When we allow…the “I should” thoughts to consume us. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. Or what will everybody think if I don’t.

Or what if I never find the one.

We allow all of these fearful thoughts to consume us. And that’s when marriage and babies become just another to-do on our to-do list, instead of allowing these experiences to unfold in their own beautiful time.

Personally, I don’t know if I want kids. All I know is that I don’t want kids right now. When I think about the idea of having kids right now, my body tenses up. My stomach feels tight, my chest feels heavy. That’s my bodies way of saying NO, not now. Not your time.

Maybe I’ll want to start having children in 2 years. Or 4 years. Or never. I don’t know. But I’m OK not knowing because I have all the information that I need, right now. And right now, my intuition says no.

If I were to have a child right now because I’m scared by my age, I would be bringing a child into this world that is not in alignment with my essential self. I would be forcing or pushing a child out of me (no pun intended) that is not in the flow with my higher plan.

Now, that’s not to say that I wouldn’t love this child or care for this child. Lots of people have children out of alignment. Right? I mean a lot. I’m saying that the struggle, the obstacles, the internal battles, the delays toward the life I’m called to lead, would be far greater than if I were to wait until my intuition gives the green light.

Let’s fast forward. Say, I’m 36 years old and decide to have a child because in my bones it feels so right, I’m so ready, my gut is screaming YES. I’m going to trust that the Universe has my back because I’m honoring my intuition, which has never led me wrong in the past!

That’s why I don’t worry about my biological clock. I trust that I will have a healthy child, even at 36 or whatever age, because my body and mind will be so ready and willing and free and I’ll be in a loving space. Right? Versus having a child now– out of fear– and my body (the same body that is carrying this child) be tense and stressed because my essential self is NOT ready. That sounds like more of a health risk than anything if you ask me.

I trust that if I’m 40 years old and feel ready to have children, yet my intuition is telling me that my body is not meant carry children, and maybe it’s pointing me in the direction of adoption or surrogacy or whatever and that feels true and right, then that’s what I’ll do.

I have no idea guys, I’m just throwing these out there. But it’s not my job to know the outcome. My job is to tap into my intuition now and make the best decision now from a place of love. What feels exciting to me right now? What feels liberating? For me, that is not having children. And that’s OK. My decision (my intuition) may look different from my sister, my best friend, from you, from my neighbor, from that person on FB who just had a baby. Different people, different paths.

Make sense?

So if you take a look at your own life. Take the idea of marriage if you’re in a relationship right now. Take the idea of having a baby. And just sit with it. Your body will tell you the answer. Do you feel light and free and enthusiastic when you think about it? Or do you feel heavy and constricted and unsure?

This is your intuition. And nobody but you can tap into that. And it’s your job to not only tap into it, but also honor it. Regardless of the external pressure that’s all around you.

So now the question is, pressing the rewind button here…why? Why are we a generation that’s taking longer to settle down? 

Because of the work that I do and the years of studying this quarter life crisis epidemic, it’s very clear to me why Millennials for the most part are moving at a slower pace.

We attempt to make the same choices that earlier generations made because that’s what we were taught– college, graduate, climb that ladder and find stability within the walls of a larger organization so that we can settle down, but as soon as we realize, hmmmm this isn’t working, this doesn’t feel right to me, something is off, we spend the next decade (or a good portion of it) trying to unlearn what we were taught was “right,” and instead trying to “figure it out,” on our own without a map, jumping from job to job– running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

And not to mention, most of us are broke in the process. We have student loans, a lot of us are living in expensive cities, we’re still partying like we’re 21 and even traveling on our time off (there was a survey last year that concluded 47 percent of people ages 18-34 would rather spend their money on traveling than saving and buying a house).

So there’s a lot there right? There’s a lot of confusion and uncertainty in our twenties. And when we are in that state of mind, our actions reflect that. A chicken with its head cut off– trying to figure his/ or herself out, is not in one place, hammering away at a foundation to settle down on. It’s still running around trying to find its head, never mind take on a bunch of added responsibility. And in that headspace (or lack thereof if we’re staying true to our chicken analogy)– we don’t feel financially ready, we feel “too young,” and we are career-focused. The first time around the career carousel was a fail so now we gotta start over– figure out what career actually makes us happy and then actively pursue it and that takes time!

So needless to say, our 20something experience is much different today.

I do however believe that the timetable may shift again in ya know 50-100 years when children are taught and encouraged to make their own decisions. And YES, I do believe that revolution will happen because I don’t think that our generation is going to continue drilling the same outdated rules that our parents drilled into us– because we paid the consequences of that. So if we can change the ideology in schools and encourage our kids to think for themselves and explore their own definition of success, they won’t have to spend their post-grad years (if they choose to go to college) unlearning and undoing what we had to. The sooner that kids are allowed to explore their curiosities and what they want, the sooner they can pursue it and then of course settle down, if that is something that is in alignment for them.

OK, so not only are men and women settling down later in life, but more and more people are even opting out of marriage and/ or starting a family altogether! So let’s talk about that.

Now if you don’t know, I live in Los Angeles which is of course a very big city. And the people in my age group, that I know personally– I’d say about 80% of these people do NOT want to marry and/ or have children. So a little bit of a mish mash there. I know a lot of couples that are in committed, long-term relationships but 100% don’t want to get married and don’t want kids. Some of these couples are open to marriage, but no rush and for sure don’t want kids. Others, are open to marriage and iffy about kids. And then there’s the 20% of people I know here, who desire a more traditional lifestyle.

I mean it’s bananas if you think about how different it is today than 50 years ago. I mean back then, you got married. Back then, women had children. That’s what it was. There was no second guessing it, or being wishy washy.

And again, that’s why this older generation is having a hard time understanding us. We’re quickly labeled selfish, lazy, reckless, and irresponsible. Which I think is so annoying.

I don’t sit back and assume to know or judge or even care why people choose not to get married and have kids. That’s not my business. We can sit here all day and point fingers and say, Well, that’s selfish. You need to grow up and this and that. But at the same time, can’t we just as easily point fingers at people who’ve chosen the marriage and baby route (or sometimes just baby route) and call them selfish and reckless. Right? People have kids every day for selfish reasons.

“I don’t want to be lonely. I want somebody to take care of me when I’m older. I want a baby so I can feel fulfilled. I want a baby so we can fix this relationship. I want a baby to save this marriage.” I mean those are selfish reasons, and even reckless toward oneself, the child and the relationship.

So I don’t think it’s all that fair to judge somebody for not having kids. Sometimes not having kids is the unselfish thing to do. I don’t need to have kids to feel selfless.

I already told my boyfriend. I said if we choose together not to have children because our intuitions are in sync, and we aren’t being pulled to do so, I will dedicate my extra time to a charitable organization. Like that sounds more liberating to me right now.

And isn’t having a child for the sole reason of not being so selfish, selfish in itself? I mean right. Or someone could argue that not having children is actually the selfless thing to do because they’re conscious of overpopulation.

I mean guys. These are just arguments, beliefs, ideas. None of is factual.

Having kids is not right or wrong. Getting married is not right or wrong. It’s the reasoning behind having kids and getting married that matters.

If it feels good and right and true and exciting and liberating, then yes your intuition is calling you to marry this person.

However, if you are marrying this person because you’re afraid to be alone and maybe secretly you just want a big ring and fancy wedding…well OK then. Like, is she more worthy and well-respected than me because she’s married and I’m not at 32?

NO! And people are missing that piece of it. Being married doesn’t mean you have it all figured out. It’s not the beginning of a perfect life. It’s not the fairy tale happy ending.

And that reminds me of a quote from the late Heath Ledger. Rest in peace.

He said: Everyone you meet always asks you if you have a career, are married, or own a house as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks if you are happy.

It’s so true!

If I turn on my Martin Luther King for a second, I dream of a world where people ask: are you happy? Instead of, are you married? Do you have kids?

I dream of a world where people lovingly and openly respond: hey, whatever makes you happy.

There are two things in this world that I can’t understand. One of them being the infinite Universe. Trying to wrap my head around the idea of something being infinite is difficult for me– something not having an end point.

And the second is judgement. I can’t for the life of me understand why people care so much about how other people choose to live their lives. I can’t wrap my head around it. Why people are so invested in what other people choose to do. Why people are so obsessed with labels and these stupid rules. Like if somebody is happy, somebody is happy. Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean that’s the right thing to do for everybody else.

There are plenty of people unhappily married. There are plenty of people unhappily single. There are people happily married.

There are people happily single.

Marriage is an idea. Some people love the idea of marriage. Some people believe it’s an institution. Some people believe in soul mates, some people think it’s a joke.

Personally, I hold onto the idea of marriage loosely. And here’s what I mean by that. As human beings, we are constantly changing and evolving in all facets of our life– all the time.  

We are not designed to remain in our comfort zones where everything feels familiar and “safe.” It’s natural to outgrow jobs, living environments, creative endeavors, behaviors, friendships, romantic relationships.

Because our desires, preferences, aversions, habits, curiosities– are always changing.

For example, when our job becomes too routine, we get bored and feel that internal itch to do something more challenging and creative. When our friend of 20 years starts partying and enjoying the nightlife a lot more while we find joy in being home with family– all of a sudden we have little in common and the friendship stops growing. When we’ve lived in the same town for 15 years and we’ve been there, done that. There’s nothing left to explore. We’ve mastered this town and everything it has to offer.

My point in all of this is: marriage is the idea of forever– till death do us part. And knowing how we as human beings are designed and how we reach our full potential– it’s a little naïve to be so fixated on an idea of forever.

Now I know a lot of you are probably like WTF as I say this. You may completely disagree with me. You may be an idealist and believe that true love is forever. And I 100% completely respect that. I’m not here to change your mind. I’m here to share my personal view and maybe provide an alternate perspective to those of you who are open to receiving it.

Feel free to take anything I say that resonates and toss the rest to the side.

Anyway, so do I believe in marriage? I believe that it’s successful for some, and not successful for others, not based on the effort or work put in, but by whether or not the couple remain in alignment (so on that soul level) through the inevitable changes that each independent party experiences through his or her lifetime.

Let me explain.

When we’re living in the “Promise Land”– when our dreams have connected to reality and everything is awesome (I have my dream job, I’m living in my favorite city, I’ve met a man I love). That’s awesome. Stay there as long as you can. It goes back to the saying, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. However, we can never know how long it’ll last. Because again, internally we are always changing.

For example, I have no way of knowing how long being a life coach is going to feel joyful for me. It could be 10 years, 20 years, 40 years. I don’t know. I could wake up one day and my intuition is pointing me in a whole new direction. Or down the road, maybe my intuition is pointing me in a slightly different direction– within the coaching field. Like I’ve had small glimpses if you will of becoming a KonMari life coach– combining my love for coaching, organization and interiors. So that would be a pretty big pivot for me.

My intuition led me to YouTube and that worked for a few years until it didn’t and my intuition felt joy elsewhere- through this podcast.

I also have no idea how long living in a big city will feel good to me. All I know is that it still feels exciting to me, the same way it did 7 years ago when I moved here. However, I could wake up next year and begin to desire a much simpler life. Sometimes when I go back home, I’m like “AH, it’s nice to be away from the ongoing noise and hustle and bustle.” And a part of me loves the idea of living on a quiet lake somewhere. So I don’t know.

Same thing with a relationship or marriage. It might work wonders just as it is for 7 years. For 25 years. Or a lifetime. But you and I can never know in that moment. The survival of a relationship is TBD (to be determined)– based on my internal changes, my partners internal changes and how those changes interact with one another.

For example, let’s say that I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years. And over these 8 years, I’ve been pretty much stayed the “same person” that he married. I still have my beloved career, I still enjoy food and wine as much as he does and the nightlife– there have only been teeny adjustments made here and there (common marital disagreements) but nothing colossal has come along to shake our foundation. He did however have one big career change at the 4 year mark, but thankfully my authentic self was not jeopardized by the changes he underwent. We were still in sync and vibing on the same frequency, fantastic!

OK fast forward, let’s say the 10 year mark! Over the past 6 months, I’m noticing that my intuition has led me to do more traveling and take part in more adventurous activities that I never had in the past. Some of my old habits are dying out– like going to fancy events and schmoozing with people.

Lately, what lights me up the most is waking up early and doing things like rock climbing and hiking and bungee jumping, I don’t know, totally making this up. I’m outgrowing a part of myself and stepping into these new things that are bringing me joy now. NOW I find much more peace and emotional satisfaction from being in nature.

So if my husband experiences joy crafting paper models by day and mingling at night…while my new self (the part of me that is ready to expand and answer what I’m being called to explore in this moment) is pitching a tent at a campsite, then the common ground we once stood on becomes a little rocky (no pun intended).

Now, that is not to say that we can’t have different interests. In fact, I believe that what makes a truly successful marriage is one that you grow together yes, but also one in which both parties form their own identity, and not be co-dependent. I think having an identity independent from your spouse is vital– being in the space of wanting to be together, not needing to be together, if that makes sense. But, that’s an entirely other subject.

What I’m saying is there’s nothing wrong with our induvial sources of joy– that may be different from our partner. However, the strength and longevity of our relationship is dependent on the synchronization of both our essential selves and all that entails.

So if my husband’s essential self values a partner with similar interests and values a partner that he can spend a lot of time with– then what happens when my source of joy changes from being this outgoing, nightlife socialite that he married to this nature loving tree hugger?

Well he may try to impede me from my new amusements. I may try to persuade him to come with me. And maybe we do find a balance, who knows!

But when you hear people say “marriage is hard,” this is what they’re referring to. When there’s a tug a war, not necessarily a conflict of interest, but a conflict in the alignment of our essential selves and the changes that are happening within each person.

If my husband strongly valued independence, than me not going to these events with him probably wouldn’t compromise the marriage at all. Right? But then again, he probably wouldn’t have married me in the first place.

Guys, it’s when our values, preferences, desires, aversions, passions etc. change time and time again that stands as the mile markers for a marriage.

So I experience a shift. I used to love this, but I outgrew that and now I love this OK? Now, my only job is to stay true to myself and what my intuition is saying and then check in to see where my husband’s at intuitively– assuming he’s living his truth (a lot of people don’t and that makes things so much more confusing and messier)– so I check in with him and ya know hope that we’re still riding on the same frequency.

In a marriage, the success is dictated on whether the 2 parties grow together or grow apart.

Think of it like science class. You have these two chemicals. You take two test tubes full of liquid and pour them into the same flask. Everything is good, calm no explosions. Then you place a drop of a different liquid into that tube. OK, we’re still good. And then you take a different liquid and add that, let’s see what happens. And so forth. And if you’re lucky, nothing blows up. There might be a little foam, some bubbles, a little overflow of liquids time and time again, but nothing catastrophic. It’s when properties different from the reactants (or original substances) come through that cause a big chemical reaction or change. When we’re talking about essential self, intuition, alignment– it’s as scientific as a chemical, scientific experiment. I can’t change my genetic makeup and what brings me into alignment today, tomorrow or the next day. And neither can my partner.

So a marriage is less: this is going to last forever.

And more: this is going to last for as long as we don’t explode.

OK?

Like, let’s keep honoring our own intuitions and stay true to the path that lights us up, while our partner stays true to his/ her…and hopefully what’s in alignment for me and for them as the years go on, are parallel and remains in close proximity.

This is what creates and maintains a happy, healthy relationship. When two people can remain independent, living their truth and at the same time, swim with the same current– that’s a successful union.

So the drawback that I see with marriage– is when people hang on so tightly to the idea of forever to the point where they dismiss their own intuition.

And that’s the part that’s scary to me. When people disregard their intuition and push their true identity to the side in order to try and please their partner or to make the marriage work when they’ve hit rough water.

For example, if my husband wants me, his wife to stay at home to care for the children, but my intuition is calling me to work full time. If I ignore my intuition to please him, that’s not good. If I push aside what I want, to try and make him happy so that this marriage “survives,” that’s not good.

This happens all the time. When one party is living their truth, but the other is not. Sometimes both parties are not living their truths. And that’s just a recipe for disaster.

Guys, I could do an entire series dissecting romantic relationships. If you think about just YOU as a sole human being and the complexity behind what makes you YOU– childhood and story, beliefs and ideas, likes and dislikes, the list goes on and on. So when you think about how complex one person is, you add another person into the mix, it gets nutty. It’s like a web. It’s never black and white.

So I’m going to FLY over that for now and go back to what I was saying– people hanging on so tightly to the idea of forever.

A lot of people get to a point when their intuition is telling them (their body is telling them through physical manifestations): Hey, it’s time to change course, this isn’t working anymore. We aren’t flowing together like we once used to.

And again that FLOW stops because one party or both parties are not living their truth. OR both parties are living their truths, but the internal changes that one, the other or both have endured have pushed them apart.

So if we have a marriage that now feels like we’re swimming upstream without a paddle and it feels forced and hard, some people who hang on so tightly to the belief of “forever”, chalk it up to…

“Well, I agreed to death do us part. Marriage is supposed to be hard. We’re going to make this work, no matter what. Marriage is about sacrifice and compromise.”

But guys, at one point do we stop sacrificing and compromising our own well-being for somebody else? Right?

And this is why I hold onto the idea of marriage loosely.

This thinking (our ego minds) keep us stuck in a marriage that we’re not supposed to be in anymore and causes us to MISS the next thing we’re being calling toward. Again, yes there will be some challenges along the way– the same way we face challenges while pursuing a passion, right? But, in the promise land, these challenges should not feel BAD. They should feel clean and necessary. If you begin to feel hostile or depressed, yet chalk it up to “marriage is supposed to be hard,” we can end up wasting a lot of our precious time here on Earth in the wrong relationship– on the wrong path.

Of course, I wish and hope and pray that two people who join forces and make their union legal live happily ever after. Of course, I hope that. And yes I love celebrating love and healthy relationships and if two people know intuitively that they belong together right now and marriage is in alignment for both parties, then AMEN. That’s all that matters. The idea of forever doesn’t matter. And I think grasping onto the idea of forever, actually puts so much pressure on the marriage right out of the gate.

What’s so bad about getting married if that feels good, hoping for a long courtship, yet allowing yourself and your partner to be in their natural flow, remain in their own alignment and just see where it takes the two of you. Without the attachment to forever.

With just the mutual, loving understanding that this feels true right now, the two of you are meant to be together right now and let’s just be and live in the present together.

That to me, feels much lighter and less suffocating. Seriously!

I remember bringing up marriage to my boyfriend when we first started dating– just to get his take on it. And I was voicing my concerns about it and how people change and we grow and what if we don’t grow together. And he very nonchalantly responded, well there’s divorce. Like no big deal.

Ya know? And that was really refreshing for me. Because that’s my take on. It’s OK. We hear these horror stories from people about divorce. OMG divorce is the hardest thing ever. It’s terrible and draining, it’s an absolute nightmare. But I think that people who started out in this pressure cooker– and form this belief of: well if my marriage doesn’t work, I’m a failure.- are the people who have these really heartbreaking, painful divorces.

Like the fact that you grew apart or whatever the reason for separation– is just that, a fact. It’s like OK, this is life. We’re designed to outgrow things.

It’s when we allow our ego mind to chime in that things get messy.

He fell out of love with me so I’m not good enough or attractive enough for him. What did I do wrong? I failed.

It’s just unnecessary “dirty pain.” Like let’s not make a separation or divorce mean something, other than what it means– you aren’t meant to be together right now.

So now, if you’re thinking, well what’s the point of being legally married? Is there a point? If the idea of marriage (or forever) is elusive.

Well this is where I was kinda at personally. Because I’m like OK, what’s the point? Let me just continue in a relationship, without the legal contract because if that day were to come, when my significant other and are not aligned with one another…isn’t a breakup easier than a divorce? As far as the proce(eaze)?

And then I was talking to my neighbor about this recently. And she kinda educated me about the practical benefits to marriage. Things like taxes, health insurance, better loans, protection of assets if god forbid something were to happen to one of us. And while I was sitting there, my intuition kinda perked up and I felt all of this to be true. In other words, what she was saying deeply resonated with me. And really all it took was that conversation with her, and being present enough to connect with my intuition that tipped the scale for me. I went from being wishy washy about marriage to YEA, I can see myself being legally married.

And that’s kinda where I’m at right now. No, I’m not engaged, but if the time were to come when a proposal came my way and it felt right to me and true to my life’s path, then I’d happily honor my intuition and get married. Because that’s my only job right? Is to honor what feels exciting and great…and continue to do so day in and day out and just see where it takes me and us.

That’s it for today guys. Just remember that the only permission you ever need is your own. Thank you so much for listening as always. I’ll see you next time. Bye!

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